Movie Review: Obsessed

I write this as a Beyonce Stan.

Thanks to perfect timing, curiosity about Bey's acting ability, and a fan base that’s apparently stronger than Jamie Foxx’s, Beyonce’s new “thriller” took in $28 million this past weekend. May the Knowles family revel in this #1 position because the summer blockbusters start this weekend.

The night before I actually watched Obsessed, I read review after review after review. I was sure that the negative reviews were directly related to the movie being about a beautiful black woman whose husband can’t be tempted by a white blonde babe. Not really.

The negative reviews were directly related to the fact that this movie sucks hard and Beyonce know she need to stop. Any random cute, black chick on any street could have played Beyonce’s Sharon. Can you read? - Good enough - got a part for you.

Obsessed is actually one long, drawn-out Beyonce video, minus the music. The strong, fearless Beyonce we hear on the radio and onstage is the same Beyonce in this movie. The same diva who believes that material possessions and love go hand in hand is the same Bey in this movie. While strength, perfection, and bling bling work as subject matter in a 3 minute song, it can get old and tired in a 105 minute movie.

Tired.

Idris Elba tried to warn us, but until you see just how much chemistry aint in this movie, you can’t imagine that no sparks fly between Beyonce and Idris. It’s like, “Look at Beyonce and Idris; I’m uncomfortable.” WHY? Two beautiful black “actors” on screen should be like Love and Basketball or Love Jones or even Lady Sings the Blues. I was so looking forward to loving Bey and Idris together! But as soon as they got close, I found myself wanting Jay-Z to come on the set... and jump in Idris’s spot... to warm up Beyonce... and let Idris find a real movie to star in...

Either the writer of this film didn’t know how to build a thought provoking movie, or Beyonce and the machine behind her wouldn’t let him. I’m thinking Door #2. Somebody, probably Matt and Tina, scaled back every realistic word or emotion in the script. “She wouldn’t say that – she’d say this: ‘Imma mop the flo wit yo ass!’” And at some point, I’m guessing that somebody, probably Matt, Tina and Bey, told the writer to have Derek go from being a playa to a man who can’t even understand the game much less play it because he luuuuuuuuvs his uneducated wife so much and will do whatever it takes to get her back even though he didn’t do ANYTHING wrong.

After a while, even the fineness of Idris Elba starts to get overshadowed by his stupidity. Ali Lartner is as crazy as Lisa Nicole Carson. Just wish I could have known why. But character development was the least of this movies' problems. The dialog was weak. The office setting was sexist and out dated. Beyonce and Idris’ home phone was even out dated -- who in the hell has an external answering machine in 2009? Surely not the rich and successful characters in this movie. But, I guess, in order for Big Bad Beyonce to pick up the phone and say, “I’mma have to call you back” - and then go kick some skinny white ass - they had to have an outdated answering machine. Relevancy is for suckers.

Beyonce will NEVER win an Oscar like this. Never. There is no way she can earn an Oscar for anything but a song in a movie. Still, even after such harsh criticism, I saw some improvement in Bey. If you just want to watch her “act” a fool and mean mug the camera before whooping some butt, then, have at it. But I’ll tell you what. I’m not running out to see another movie staring Beyonce Giselle Knowles… Jesus woke me up for the fight scene, but I almost fell right back to sleep. The next time I pay to see Beyonce she better be sweating, half dressed, rolling across the stage and singing like her life depended on it. I don’t even need her to speak to the crowd. To be honest, I’m kinda pissed at the audacity of Beyonce. She’s taking all the roles from real black actresses and now she’s creating roles for herself and depending on our curiosity to fill up the movie seats.

Pretty clever, huh? Love her.

Grade? C-