Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Are You In Denial?

Is your life peaceful? Are you content? Happy? Living the life you want to live? If you aren't, why not? What are you scared of? What have you convinced yourself that you don't have - and don't need - in order to be happy?

I work 8-5 Monday through Friday, minus 2-3 hours per day for lunch :-). I grind for Corporate America, and my job pays fairly well, but I'm by no means a 6 figure n____. I can save for a house, save for a car, save for this and that, but I can't go to the dealership and plunk down the cash for that new Bentley. I wish I could, but I can't. I have huge, expensive tastes and because I can't easily afford the luxurious items that I want, I've spent many years claiming to MYSELF and others that I don't even want all of that. Big mistake.

By not admitting what I really wanted in life, I was also robbing myself of the motivation to get to a place where I could comfortably afford whatever I want. I was in denial to myself about wanting the $20K purses. The $1K jeans. The diamonds. I wanted all of that, but I, Smokie, fundamentally believe that such rich spoils go to rich people who work hard at what they love doing (or win the lottery). I believe that a person should be able to easily afford to outright buy luxury items and debt is not an option in my life. I despise undo stress.

So, that belief, coupled with admitting to myself that I actually want to have nice things, made me get off my lazy butt and get to hustling to be able to afford everything I want. I got on my real grind, and my first self-help book for black women is almost finished. Y'all are going to love it.

I was also in denial about wanting a husband. I had to admit to myself that I wanted to be the right man's WIFE. I wanted the label and all the good things that come with it. I had convinced myself that I didn't nessesarily need a man. I didn't actually need one to survive, but at a certain age my soul really did crave/need who I was supposed to be with. So, I had to admit that to myself FIRST — before I could go through the process of becoming available for a good man. I had to do some self analysis and even a little work. This is what getting out of denial does for you: If you stop fooling yourself about what you want and need, then all that's left to do is handle your business and finally get what you want - whatever it is. After the veil of denial is lifted, work follows. The only reason your life is not what you want it to be today is because you're in denial about some area of your life. What is that?

In denial about needing friends because you don't want to go through the work of being friendly? In denial about being happy with your weight because you don't want to go through the work of losing weight? In denial about needing a real man at home because you don't want to go through the work of being a real woman? In denial about wanting children because you're scared you won't do a good job? In denial about wanting to be a singer because you don't want to work hard at your dream? The list can go on and on. What denial is blocking your joy?

I want women to pop out of denial. Admit what you want. Admit who you are. Admit who you are not. Admit who you would like to be. Admit how you want to live. Admit what you are supposed to be doing with your life and what you are not supposed to be doing with it.

Come on ladies - let's analyze ourselves and get to work to fix whatever aint working right. It's time to get to that place of real joy and happiness, and the only way to get there is through truth and popping the bubble of denial.


  1. This was a good read Smokie. Congrats to the females not in denial anymore (including myself). I know your speaking from a woman’s point of view but this goes for the opposite sex also.

  2. Don't forget embracing what YOU want when it looks NOTHING like what we as traditional black women do!!

    This was a good post!

    I went through all this after my divorce, realizing that I wanted to do me and REALLY do me. And be selfish and do all those things I was raised not to do.

    Like you said denial is NOT a river in Africa!! Face it and DO YOU!!

    Hmmm you may have inspired a blog post LORD KNOWS I need to blog FREAL FREAL!!


  3. OG is baaaack! :-)

    OG, The Original Glamazon said...
    Don't forget embracing what YOU want when it looks NOTHING like what we as traditional black women do!!


    Well, that's a whole different subject. I'm just trying to pull us out of denial first. One step at a time!

  4. I discovered you via OG's blog, dang I needed this post. As a person who works to better others lives (social services) its always a contradiction because deep down a sista likes nice things. I like to be pampered yet I try not to admit that. I really need to meditate on being more intentional in my desires.


Just say what you feel!