Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Viacom Severs Ties with Fool

Viacom Inc.'s Paramount Pictures unit is ending its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise's film production company because of the actor's offscreen behavior, the company's chairman said in an interview with the Wall Street Journal. Sumner Redstone, Viacom chairman, said the behavior of the star was unacceptable to the company.

Cruise, one of Hollywood's biggest stars, has been known more recently for his antics on U.S. television talk shows, including jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch to declare his love for Katie Holmes and criticizing the use of antidepressant drugs.

"As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal," Redstone was quoted as saying in the Wall Street Journal. "His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

Apparently, if anyone acts a nigga, a pink slip can be issued.

Cruise: [On the phone with Redstone, prior to getting "the news"]
I'm on my way to see ya Redstone! Yeah buddy!

Redstone: [UNEASY] Are you Ok, Tom?

Cruise: [PUMPING FIST IN AIR] Whoooo
hoooooo! Ab-sol-utely! Down with antidepressants - up with life!

Redstone: [Puzzled, yet rolls eyes] Okaaaay..... Uhm, Tom, I wanted to talk to you about something -

Cruise: Can it wait til later? I'M kinda breast feeding Suri right now, and the little tiger bites! [Hearty laugh]

Redstone: You're...breastfeeding her?

Cruise: Yeah. I can do it all! Hey bud, I'll see ya soon. I'll just jog the 30 miles to your office. We can talk then, pal! Whooo hoooo!!!!

Redstone: [Trying to get a word in] Uhm Tom, about that -

Cruise: [Jumping up and down from chair to counter top...countertop to chair...] What is it guy??! I'm so psyched right now!

Katie Holmes: [From background, muffled] Help! Help!

Redstone: Tom? What's that?

Cruise: Oh! That's Suri. Just said her first words! A miracle kid we have here! [Shoves a Xanax down Katie Holmes' throat and puts "Suri" (Cabbage Patch Doll, limited edition) over Katie's mouth]

Katie: [Muffled.] Help me! He's cra-

Redstone: Tom, I'm sorry, but I can't let you waste a trip. We're going to have to let you go.

Cruise: [Thows doll down, puts hand on hip] You're what?

Redstone: We're going to let you go, Tom. You've just been too erratic lately. It's bad for our image.

Cruise: [Gripping hair, slapping face, scowling at Katie Holmes' sleeping body in the corner] Erratic?! Did you just call me erratic?

Redstone: Tom, I'm sorry -

Cruise: [Persing lips, pointing finger at phone] You just called me erratic! That's slander! I'll sue the boxers off your tight behind (no homo) and you'll never work in this town again, buddy!! May L. Ron Hubbard haunt your filthy soul! [Throws furniture, snots, calls Oprah.]

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