Sunday, February 1, 2009

Putting on the STOPS!

Sometimes we get so caught up in a Thing, that we forget we don’t even have to be in that Thing. So, for all those times, I’ve created a list of Putting on the Stops. Take from it what you will!

STOP dating the same kind of men and expecting better results.
START dating better men and expect better results.

STOP dating victims.
START dating men who don’t make excuses, but make things happen.

STOP dating physically and/or emotionally unavailable men.
START dating men who are single (not even separated) and free -- mentally, physically, and emotionally.

STOP trying to prove your worth to a man.
START proving your worth to yourself. Question whether he's worthy of you. If not, he can kick rocks.

STOP making projects out of men.
START working on YOU. When you get right, you won't even want the men who need so much work. You can get on with the business of living your life with an "already fixed" man.

STOP dating men who aren’t afraid of jail.
START dating men who respect the law; they’ll probably respect you too (and won’t nut up one day!)

STOP dating men on the DL.
START paying attention to the signs that give away a DL status:
--He wants to make love from behind. (Not doggy style, but ‘what what in the butt’ style.)
--He has gay male friends.
--He's distant; you are not a priority, but his "suspect" friends are.
--He’s not very interested in sex (just because, not for religious reasons).
--He’s preoccupied with who’s gay: celebrities, friends, strangers
--He’s very secretive. You can tell when it’s more than a “He’s private” situation and more like a “He’s hiding something” situation.
--Bi-sexual rumors follow him.
--Your gut says, “he’s gay”.

STOP believing that “Men Will Be Men”.
START believing that if God created good, faithful women he surely created the same in men!

STOP financially supporting men.
START dating men who can financially support themselves. Every man needs to be a man. When you take on the the role of support (not talking to married couples who have carefully come to this decision due to day care, future plans, layoffs, etc. [had to insert that disclaimer because a black woman will be quick to defend taking care of a grown ass man]), you reverse your natural male-female roles, and, usually, resentment sets in on both parties. The man is not doing his job, and he knows it, and he resents you despite your attempts to massage his ego. Your success is just a reminder of his failure - NOT an inspiration to do better. Your good nature is just a reminder that you are successful AND nice. (He might end up hating you before its over. (lol)) You're left feeling like a dormat, which you have become.

STOP hearing the words while ignoring the actions.
START paying attention to how people treat you as well as the character that they display. Many times people will tell you who they are, while showing you a whole different person. If we start paying attention to the characteristics that they SHOW they have, we will see the true person. From there, we can make informed decisions about who we want in our lives or not. Words never compensate for actions. Words are...."I love you baby"; "I promise"; "I'm a good person" "You can call me anytime". Actions are.....a for sure date with your man right by your side anywhere, everywhere...... his paying/sharing the tab, not looking at the fine waitress....keeping his word.....showing respect and affection....calling and actually reaching him anytime...

STOP playing the victim.
START taking control of your life and making decisions that will benefit you and bring peace to your life.

STOP traveling with so much baggage.
START forgiving, letting go, and moving on. You throw away valuable time from your own life when you dwell on what was not and can not be. Time would be much better spent striving for new areas of happiness. Grudges only weigh you down and produce bitterness and anger. No one of any worth wants to be around someone with so much negative unreleased baggage. And revenge? Give that to God. He can exact a much better revenge than you can even imagine.

STOP turning down the right man for the wrong man.
START giving the decent men a chance. You'll soon realize that good treatment feels GOOD and you'll wonder why you ever accepted less.

STOP rationalizing and making excuses for men.
START dating men on the up and up who don’t require so much deciphering and rationalizing. Men are men. They aren't created to be complex ad naeasim. Get you a real man without all the bitch tendencies.

STOP being so available.
START dating different men if you are single. Don't hang around waiting for that one man to call. Already have plans! You may already have a date with a friend or a girlfriend, might be taking a class, or going to dinner with co-workers. Whatever the case, the goal is to have a life. Not to walk around saying, "I have a life" but to actually have one. It’ll make you more interesting to men -- and to yourself. As long as you aren't so busy that you can't fit dating in at all, a man will be happy to wait a minute until you are available.

STOP being so hot!
See previous post here. START finding other interests if sex occupies your thoughts 24x7. If you can't hold it back, there's a problem. If you don't have a hell of a lot to offer a guy (great personality, looks, your own money, your own interests, mystic), you can't just be a ho from Day 1. It takes a special kind of girl to play off being a ho, and most women who are substituting sex for love just can't play the game and win. (Win = Wifey/love/whatever you want out the deal) So, tone it down and hold it back, girls!
*Note: My husband is behind me verbally protesting this particular Stop. He wants me to tell you to: "STOP being cold! START giving it up on the first night! STOP holding it back! Be a freak!"*. I do not agree with this at all, FYI.

STOP being so boring.
START showing an interest in life outside of shopping, gossip, and mating. Discover your likes and dislikes and try new things. Have more to talk about.

STOP hiding who you are.
START loving who you are and expecting the same thing from those around you. If not... they can kick rocks. There are too many people in the world to worry about the few who don't understand you.

STOP settling for the wrong things in a man.
START setting for the right things in a man. If you must settle, settle for traditional and hard working. Why do you have to settle for abusive, mean, elusive, and lazy? There is a such thing as healthy drama. You don’t have to be in a negative situation with a man to have positive, fun drama in your lives.

STOP gold digging.
START looking for a job, taking care of yourself, and seeking out venues to earn extra money doing what you love. When you can take care of you, you are free. Everyone deserves freedom.

STOP sleeping with other womens’ men.
START respecting the code of sisterhood – and if one doesn’t exist, commit to creating one in your own life, and watch the men fall in line.

STOP dating without “The List”.
START dating with “The List” – Know what you want, fundamentally, from a mate.

STOP being a Wife when you're just a Girlfriend.
START living your life as it truly is. If you’re a jump off, just jump on and off. If you’re a girlfriend, be loving and kind and send him home at the end of the night. If you’re a wife, do your damn job: cook and clean and everything in between (if he deserves it). :-)


  1. AMMMEEEEENNNNN! These list needs to be packed and distributed to all women to STOP the foolishness. Great, great post chile! xoxo.

  2. Preach Smokie preach!

    I'm starting to feel the holy ghost around...I'm running around the room flapping my arms saying screaming amen!

  3. oh and lol at your husband's protest

  4. LOL! Thank y'all. I'm glad you like.

  5. I likey, likey!! You are awesome!!!

  6. great post. i need to work on a few of these myself i can't lie! keep bringing it smokie.


Just say what you feel!